It's Personal Space 101...

I hate to sound like the grumpy old lady, talking about parenting, a topic that I don't have first-hand experience in (this is my disclaimer)...BUT, I'm sorry...I have to vent.  I just think there are some things that are common sense.  I know we're not all born with that gift...but when you don't teach certain things to your children, like respecting others' personal space, you have to know you're borderline neglectful.

The other day I was at my doctor's office.  I was talking to the receptionist, Lara, when a cute 3-year old walked-in and immediately approached me without saying a word to yank my hoodie's zipper...and wouldn't let go.  I had to pry her little hands off of me.  I was a bit stunned at her aggressiveness for such a tiny person and even more baffled to watch her mom witness the whole thing and not say a word.  "Maybe she was in a daze and missed what her daughter did?", I thought to myself, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

A few minutes later, the same niña went to Lara's desk area and grabbed a toy truck (they keep a small stash of goodies behind the counter) without asking for permission.  The receptionist called the little girl over and told her that she could play with the toys...as long as she asked first.  She calmly explained that going behind the counter was off limits.  The little girl nodded her head in agreement. The mom, along with everyone else in the waiting room, heard the exchange.  The mother didn't seem the least bit concerned with the situation and just continued to flip through her O magazine.  

That agreement was short-lived.  A few seconds later, she was back for more.  She snuck behind Lara's chair, who was busy talking to a colleague, and grabbed a children's book from behind the counter.  Lara saw her from the corner of her eye and interrupted her conversation to scold the child again.  "Please return that book. You didn't ask for it", she said.  The 3-year old returned the item and ran back to her mother's side.  The receptionist was fed-up with this intrusive little girl but clearly more frustrated with the mother who wouldn't say a peep to her child.  She had had it.  "Miss, can you please keep an eye on your child", she said.  The mom kept reading and ignored her completely.  "Miss, I need you to keep your child away from this area", demanded the annoyed receptionist.  The mother didn't even acknowledge that someone was speaking to her and finally called her daughter over.  "Caroline, stay right here", she said quietly, without ever making eye contact with Lara.

I was in disbelief.  I felt like shaking the mom and asking her if she realized what a disservice this was to her daughter's development.  How could you think it's ok to not have boundaries or respect for other people's space?  ¿En que cabeza cabe eso?  I know she was only 3-years old...still a cute preschooler with pony tails...but does the mami realize how it's NOT going to be cute when she's 8-years old?  If she doesn't respect others' personal space, how can she demand others to respect hers?  Maybe this lady doesn't think it's all that important of a lesson to teach, but I really felt bad for the child.  Socially, she's going to have a tough time.  Finally, how could the mother have an attitude with the receptionist, when her child was...to put it bluntly...a pain in the butt?  I don't get people sometimes.

Comments

[Alicia Nestle]

I think the obvious issue here is that the child is desperate for attention, primarily her mother's. The biggest problem in parenting today is that parents just can't be bothered with the work of parenting. It's easier for her to sit down, open her magazine, and ignore her child's behavior than to be an active parent and discipline her.

While I agree with you that socially, she is going to have a tough time - I'm more worried about the effects of having a mother that doesn't make time to be involved with her daughter.

[Jules]

I agree that the frustration here is more with the mother's lack of parenting than the child's actions.

I couldn't help but think back to my mother's "look". The look that told me, "You know better than that". It didn't require anything more because I just knew not to push my luck further. I'd made that mistake before and I wasn't that dumb to do it again.

I'm not an advocate of spankings, but I do believe that healthy fear in your parents goes a long way ;-)

[gloria]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for your comment.

I think you're right. The girl was desperate for some attention but I don't think that's the primary reason why she felt compelled to yank a total stranger's zipper. I just think she wasn't taught that touching strangers or their things is inappropriate.

As far as the mother...she was clearly out of it...or preferred not to be bothered with parenting her child. It's sad actually.

-gloria

[gloria]

Hi Jules,

Oh that infamous look...I remember that like it was yesterday. If I took it a step further with my mother and I pushed her to say "wait 'til we get home", I knew my butt was fried...lol.

-gloria

[B. Margarita Ramirez]

Wow...the look...let me tell you ladies I still get "the look" from my mother...talk about fear!!!
I know two little girls that have that problem...yes in my family. It's so tough bc you end up with the big question in your head...Do you say something? Do you not? I feel bc I am not yet a parent my advise won't be that credible. But when I have said something (to one of the mother's) I just get the "u-huh"..and the "you're right" answer, but when it happens all over again the mom does the same thing as always. Unfortunately you come to the point of not wanting to be around the kid bc of that lack of respect she has or was not taught. And when you come across this in a public place with a stranger, the kid (well for me) loses his/her cuteness. Too bad that in order to be a good parent you have to not only have the information (from other's or in literature) available...but you have to process and learn from it. Many people read those parenting books/magazines...but they don't practice what they read. As for the girls in my family: I ignore one, and the other I feel such a strong bond to, that I could never give up on her. Maybe I can teach her (while her mother is not around) and maybe she will understand.

[gloria]

Hi B,

I'm only comfortable correcting my nephews and that's because I spend a lot of time with them. I love them as if they were my own and my sister realizes I only want the best for these boys. If they act up, I tell them on the spot and they listen to me.

All the other kids, I try to bite my tongue. I know it's a sensitive subject with some mothers.

Best,
gloria